Friday, March 19, 2010

Health Care Reform, my way.


Section 1.  When seeking presciption drugs or a sick note for work or school, a WebMD diagnosis shall suffice except in the case of Schedule III controlled substances which will require such information as can be printed from your home computer from 

Section 2.  Pediatric patient waiting rooms shall be furnished with inflatable bounce houses for well children; ice cream sundae bars for sick children.  Shots shall be abolished forthwith and as such all vaccines, antibiotics, rabies treatments, and novacaine shall be administered via medicinally-infused temporary tattooes of either the Star Wars or Hello Kitty variety.

Section 3.  Highly technical, jargon-filled diagnoses shall be renamed with humor and according to the common vernacular.  Eg: ADHD shall be known henceforth as Bad Kid; allergic rhinitis to be reclassified as Stuffed-the-Fuck-Upedness; Type II Diabetes as Doughnut Syndrome. 

Section 4.  In response to the overwhelming popularity of hot TV doctors, all physicians must be exceedingly attractive and preface their names with "Mc."  Congress does not forsee a conflict of interest between hot Irish American TV doctors and the growing population of Indian American medical doctors, as Indian men are incredibly attractive once they shave off their moustaches and McPatel sounds just fine.  As such the Hippocratic Oath should be ammended to include the verbiage "First, do no ugliness."

Section 5.  Pre-existing conditions immediately and unequivocally qualify the Patient for Vicodyn and Bugs Bunny Band-Aids, as those Patients presenting with established illnesses deserve extra TLC.

Section 6.  All women having given birth and/or breastfed a child shall be entitled to breast augmentation or reduction, tummy tuck, vaginoplasty, liposuction, and a lifetime supply of SSRI's.

Section 7.  Botox is not a privilege, but a universal right.

Section 8.  End of Life Counseling (aka Death Panels) and abortion coverage shall be made available, free of charge and in exclusivity, to fans of  Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. 

Section 9.  Every effort must be made to promote preventive health measures.  As such, gynecologist visits and mammograms shall be rewarded with Nordstrom vouchers.

Section 10.  CT scanners must broadcast Black Eyed Peas or Iz to decrease symptoms of claustrophobia and ennui. 

Section 11.  No officer of a private health insurance company may earn more money than God or Oprah Winfrey.

Section 12. There shall be a cure for the common cold, autism, AIDS, and all forms of cancer.

Section 13. All laws or parts of laws in conflict with this act are hereby repealed, reduced, or recycled.

Section 14. This act shall become effective on April 1, 2010 upon a majority vote by honest, working parents of the non-Vanderbiltian class.

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