Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy Holi-Months

This morning a Target employee wished me Happy Holidays.  I was not aware that 11/1 was a holiday but my birthday IS Saturday so suddenly it all made more sense--the lights, the decorations, the gift wrap--so I said thank you.  Although red and green are really not my colors.  I know this because I've had them done and it turns out that ivories, grays, and taupes suit me best as well as--squee!--cheetah and/or leopard print.  So if you HAD to decorate a tree or anything else to celebrate me on November 6th which is in five days yes I'm talking to you you would have to find something more muted like mulberry and olive.

Little known fact: One New Year's Day not long ago I vowed to wear something in cheetah print every day for a year.  Because making a budget and drinking eight glasses of water a day were so 2009.  And also: boring.  I mean, you don't even have time to spend your shoe allowance because you're in the bathroom ALL FREAKING DAY and besides you just spent all your money on smartwater® which spelled backwards turns out to say the words I Don't Look Anything Like Jennifer Aniston.

In the end my resolution to wear cheetah print every day went the same way as all the others, which is to say that by mid-January I got bored of them, drank eight glasses of wine, and went shoe shopping.

However you should know that Crocs makes cheetah print foot--OK there are no words.  Crocs are like foot prostitutes.  Or therapists.  You pay for them, they make you feel REALLY good.  So yeah Crocs makes these fleece-lined cheetah print foot blowjobs.  I can only imagine that this metaphor is appropriate because when I put them on I make the same face as--OK Mom and Dad stop reading RIGHT NOW.

Anyway my point is that, as my Grandma and maybe it was Mark Twain (I can't remember-they both had moustaches)  always said, "Familiarity breeds contempt."  Which is EXACTLY how I felt about 23 days into my ill-fated resolution.  I had cheetah Crocs, cheetah throw pillows, cheetah hand towels, blouses, heels, even--wait for it--a cheetah print Snuggie.  

(Honestly, it's like the ghost of Billy Mays lives in my house.  It's an infomercial graveyard up in here, folks.  Watch out for that Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball at the bottom of the staircase!  BUT WAIT!  Should you slip on it and cut yourself, I will recline you ever so gently against my Ab Rocket and will apply, with my Sham Wow®, a salve made from the aloe I grew in my Topsy Turvy® Planter.)

But you have to call me in the next twenty minutes.

Speaking of contempt (WHAT.  I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.) and the whole familiarity blah blah blah thing my point is this:  I got sick of the cheetah print.  (Well OK just for a little while.)  And I am sick, sick I tell you, already, of Christmas.  I was in October, actually.  I have this awful, knotted, gnarled pit in my stomach at the very sight of ornaments and plastic trees and 3-outlet forest green power plug adapters.  

However I do like that Eggnog Latte Coffee-Mate® Limited Edition coffee creamer.  

It's really, really good.  And if you call in the next twenty minutes you'll get...

Anyway, Happy Holidays.  Only it's not days, anymore, now is it?  

Happy Holi-Months.  And to all a good fiscal quarter.

No comments:

Post a Comment