Monday, December 28, 2009

Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas,
my front door gave to me
a newly dislocated knee.

(Don't ask.  OK I was running inside from the garage 'cause Baby It's Cold Outside and in my haste I kneecapped myself with my own front door.  Why yes, that DOES hurt.)  

On the second day of Christmas,
The fraser fir tree gave to me
Two itchy eyes
And a relentless need to sneeze.

On the third day of Christmas,
Having eaten everything in front of me
I gained three extra pounds,
(two of them from cookies!)
And had a relapse of anorexi

(OK I’m not really anorexic.  So STOP worrying me about my weight, people!  PLEASE.  I eat food.  I love food.)
On the fourth day of Christmas,
I drank too much brandy,
Four glasses eggnog,
Three cabernets,
Two Shiner Bocks,
And a hangover that nearly killed me.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my in-laws gave to me
Five Useless Things:
One laundry sorter,
Two drugstore perfumes, 
A baby-head garden stone,
And one of those electronic aquariums with fake fishies. 

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my mother gave to me
A photo session 
at Portrait Innovations
where I got
Some gorgeous pictures of my babies!

On the seventh day of Christmas, 
I drove out to Crabtree
(that’s one of the malls here, non-Triangular readers)
Had a nervous breakdown
Road-raged on a teenager
Saw the flashing blue lights
Got myself a ticket
Finally found a parking space
Then went on a rehabilitative shopping spree!

(One for her, two for me.  One for him, two for me….)

On the eighth day of Christmas,
the cat climbed up the tree, sending
Eight glass balls tumbling
Seven angels falling
Six Keepsake ornaments breaking
Five garland strands tangling
Four light strands shorting,
Three candy canes crumbling,
Two branches breaking,
And a big mess just for me to clean.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my kids they said to me,
“Mommy we’re BORED
Despite our stocking stuffers,
New electric scooter,
Pink Barbie Mustang
Playmobil vet clinic
Ten thousand legos
Board games and puzzles
Cinderella mp3 player
And the ever-elusive impossible-to-buy but Santa-brought-them-anyway Zhu-Zhu pets!”

(Child Protective Services is closed on Christmas.  I know this because on that day I tried to report myself as an imminent danger to my children.)

On the tenth day of Christmas, 
Bridger and Waverly
Ate too many cookies
Got a little hyper
Started running wild
That provoked their asthma
Necessitating albuterol
Which, ironically, is a stimulant
That makes them more hyper
Which results in wheezing
Perpetuating the cycle
Of respiratory distress and hyperactivity.

On the eleventh day of Christmas….


On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love he sent me 
To the place with the soft walls
And the funny jackets
(Not the black leather Frye one that I asked for)
The nurses here are real nice
And the drugs aren’t half-bad
And there are no kids here
Someone else cleans the kitchen
And they do the laundry
And there’s Peace on Earth and
jello cups and
Silent Nights
For me!

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