Thursday, May 13, 2010

To the Trespasser Inside My Left Breast

Good morning, intruder.  I cannot blame you for your choice of abode.  It's warm and soft and nourishing there.  My babies would tell you the same.

I would like to start out by informing you that you are not welcome here.  (This is difficult for me to state, as I am genuinely a very hospitable person and absolutely LOVE having company.)  I am truly sorry if I misled you in any way into thinking that I would house or foster you.  Yes, I have often complained about the size and condition of my breasts and have even considered an addition or remodel.  This occasional dissatisfaction does not mean, though, that said real estate is available for sale, rent, or occupation.  (To be quite honest, I've never had a roomate or a parasite and do not wish for either now. )

You should have received your eviction papers by now.  Yet you persist in your tenancy!

I would ask, regardless, that the members of your clan (which incidently seem to be growing)  refrain from traveling from their current location.  I warn you: the lymph node in my armpit may seem to be a desireable travel destination but is positively Syrian in its concurrent beauty and propensity to violence (my white cells: terrorists!) and so I inform you that you are banned from travel there and am, in fact, revoking your passport.

I should also make a special announcement that your continued presence in what my children affectionately refer to as my Nanas may result in your being needle aspirated, cultured, squashed in mammography, irradiated, poisoned, or EXCISED.

Also: I reject your claim that I have judged you (and harshly) without even getting to know you.  No, I do not know whether you are benign or malignant.  I DON'T REALLY CARE. You may call me a cell-ist if that makes you feel better about yourself.  I am not.  In fact, some of my best friends are cells or some combination thereof.  I am particularly fond of neurons and zygotes.  And it is common knowledge that amoeba babies are ADORABLE. 

Again I apologize.  I am usually a kind person, given neither to violence nor threats of such.  But I will deport you like an Arizona Mexican.  Consider yourself warned.

I should wrap this up as I have to get off to the doctor's office.  But just to recap, I am asking you, little tangled knot of cells,  to cease and desist in an immediate fashion. 

Yours Truly and Temporarily,


  1. Thinking of you my dear.Hugs and prayers.

  2. So true. You put it in perspective, as I am going through the same at 35.