Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas,
my front door gave to me
a newly dislocated knee.

(Don't ask.  OK I was running inside from the garage 'cause Baby It's Cold Outside and in my haste I kneecapped myself with my own front door.  Why yes, that DOES hurt.)  

On the second day of Christmas,

The fraser fir tree gave to me

Two itchy eyes

And a relentless need to sneeze.

On the third day of Christmas,
Having eaten everything in front of me
I gained three extra pounds,

(two of them from cookies!)

And had a relapse of anorexi

(a).

(OK I’m not really anorexic.  So STOP worrying me about my weight, people!  PLEASE.  I eat food.  I love food.)

 
On the fourth day of Christmas,
I drank too much brandy,
Four glasses eggnog,
Three cabernets,
Two Shiner Bocks,
And a hangover that nearly killed me.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my in-laws gave to me
Five Useless Things:
One laundry sorter,
Two drugstore perfumes, 

A baby-head garden stone,
And one of those electronic aquariums with fake fishies. 

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my mother gave to me

A photo session 
at Portrait Innovations

where I got

Some gorgeous pictures of my babies!

On the seventh day of Christmas, 

I drove out to Crabtree

(that’s one of the malls here, non-Triangular readers)

Had a nervous breakdown

Road-raged on a teenager

Saw the flashing blue lights

Got myself a ticket

Finally found a parking space

Then went on a rehabilitative shopping spree!

(One for her, two for me.  One for him, two for me….)

On the eighth day of Christmas,
the cat climbed up the tree, sending
Eight glass balls tumbling
Seven angels falling
Six Keepsake ornaments breaking
Five garland strands tangling
Four light strands shorting,
Three candy canes crumbling,
Two branches breaking,
And a big mess just for me to clean.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my kids they said to me,

“Mommy we’re BORED

Despite our stocking stuffers,

New electric scooter,

Pink Barbie Mustang

Playmobil vet clinic

Ten thousand legos

Board games and puzzles

Cinderella mp3 player

And the ever-elusive impossible-to-buy but Santa-brought-them-anyway Zhu-Zhu pets!”

(Child Protective Services is closed on Christmas.  I know this because on that day I tried to report myself as an imminent danger to my children.)

On the tenth day of Christmas, 

Bridger and Waverly

Ate too many cookies

Got a little hyper

Started running wild

That provoked their asthma

Necessitating albuterol

Which, ironically, is a stimulant

That makes them more hyper

Which results in wheezing

Perpetuating the cycle

Of respiratory distress and hyperactivity.

On the eleventh day of Christmas….

ELEVEN DAYS?  ELEVEN?

ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY?

*

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love he sent me 

To the place with the soft walls

And the funny jackets

(Not the black leather Frye one that I asked for)

The nurses here are real nice

And the drugs aren’t half-bad

And there are no kids here

Someone else cleans the kitchen

And they do the laundry

And there’s Peace on Earth and

jello cups and

Silent Nights

For me!